Promoting things I find that are awesome...

This is hilarious.  My supervisor turned me on to this blog.  This is some funny, funny, shit.  AND it's proof that drawings can remain simple and grab your attention.  Ha ha!  Check it out: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/

Technical Difficulties

I have no idea how to fix the problems I am having with the video uploads.  So...in the meantime, I'd like to encourage you all to check out a blog recently started by one of my co-workers.  Her name is Catie.  Her blog is interesting to say the least.  It is a great depiction of her humor and character:  shoobeans.tumblr.com.  She welcomes all feedback.  If she upsets you, just remember it is not my fault. It just means that you have more work to do within yourself.  Haha.

Taking some time with Family...

Wow.  What a year it has been.  Thursday (9/12/13)  marked one year since my dad unexpectedly passed away due to a fatal arrhythmia.  We, my son, mom, sister & her family, brother & his family, all met up at the Sandy Trout Farm to take the little ones (Malachi, Presley, Reegan, Kale, & Elsa) fishing.  It was nice to reunite, after all we have been through, to just sit, fish, have lunch, fish some more, and just relax.  Just like my dad would have done if he were there and fishing with us. 

Between his passing, a separated marriage, rehab, co-dependency, Al-anon, digging deeper into recovery, stepping away from recovery, trying to manage all the pieces, letting all the pieces go, losing jobs, facing (or not facing) fears, finding all we can to distract ourselves from us, going (or not going) to counseling, and in one way or another re-discovering ourselves, all the while having five kids under the age of five trying to make sense of our madness and still maintain their childhood in some kind of positive light has truly been rough on the whole dynamic of this family.

So, it's been a year.  I don't know that this feeling will ever go away, but some days are definitely more difficult than others.  Counseling has been an amazing tool to work through this, along with Float meditations (see floathq.com), color therapy (see cltexperiment.blogspot.com), re-discovering old hobbies, and utilizing a creative outlet (painting, drawing, writing, and knotting up hemp jewelry).  New realizations colliding with old ones.  Finding the truth of self amongst the rubble of the wreckage from the great impact.

I was listening to a music playlist channel online and the song Gravedigger, by Dave Mathews, came on--which by the way if you have not heard it, is AMAZING! One of my favorite songs.  At any rate, I started to sing along and felt myself tearing up and having a difficult time through the song.  And at some time during that song I realized how much my dad held us all together.  My dad used to hold a barbeque practically every weekend (usually Sundays) and since his passing, we've maybe gotten together (all of us without some kind of turmoil or tension) once.  ONCE.  That's when we just went fishing two days ago.  It could be argued that it has happened more than that, as the level of tension and turmoil is subjective to one's own emotional experience in the moment.  I have definitely made an effort to detach from people (in general) than I ever recall doing in the past. At this point I'd like to just state that in this observation there is no right or wrong, it just is.  I am definitely not opposed to comfortable taking the time we all need to find the peace and healing that comes with such a great loss as this and know in my heart that eventually we will all come back together from time to time--maybe not as often as my dad would have encouraged, but now it's kind of like herding cats instead of embracing love.   

To close with  this post, I'll just say that, over the years I have experienced 37 significant people in my life pass away, including my best friend who overdosed when he was 22 (I was 21).  My dad was by far the greatest.  I am not minimizing the relationships of the others nor am I minimizing the loss of those people in my life--if I could have three minutes back with each of them I would hold them tight and wish for three more.  Every single one of them.  For those reading this who have not been through anything like this yet, please know there is healing through the loss and through the change.  I believe myself to be proof of this, however limited my sanity might be.  I am far from having my shit together; however I am more at peace within myself than I have ever been in my entire life.  This, I believe, to be the direct result of all the work I have done to seek the needed healing.  I am available for discussion through messaging and private face-to-face as well.  This included you even if I have never met you; just send me a message.



Ha ha--I still send my dad text messages when I feel it's needed.  AND I totally appreciate whoever has my dad's old number for not being a dick about it and sending me back a rude text.  They have done well remaining quiet.  Thank you for your compassion.  lol.

Sadface :(

I've got total sadface right now.  I tried uploading the videos from Dave Matthews @ the Gorge and there was some kind of file error that prevented the videos from being displayed.  I'll try again later.  Thank you for you patience. 

Listener Supported...

I thought I would utilize a old album title from Dave Matthews to encourage any readers of this blog to "follow" and to also leave comments (please keep them respectful). Thank you. Your support truly warms my heart.

Dave Matthews Band @ the Gorge

I went.  It was awesome!  Once I figure out how to post a video I took, I will post it later.  I was able to capture the encore of the first night.  Not sure how the sound came out as I have not watched it yet.  Stay tuned.

Float Conference 2013

This last weekend I attended, in the evenings, the annual Float Conference put on by FloatOn, a float center located on Hawthorne in SE Portland (click between the brackets) [floathq.com].   I have been interning with them for the last month or so, learning how to deep clean the tanks, along with filter swapping and other shop maintenance in the hopes to eventually open up a meditation center that has a primary focus on float.

I had to work during the day at my place of employment during the days over the weekend.  That being said, the little amount of time that I was able to attend at the conference was in fact amazing.  I was able to hear a few  lectures that blew my mind, as well as some personal testimonies about individual healing that were equally inspiring. 

The men and women of FloatOn did an amazing job putting together a conference that I hope to attend IN FULL next year!!  Thank you to Ashkahn, Graham, Quinn, Jake, Janine, Tom, Leah, Chris and the few others I have yet to meet along the way that help put this all together.

I was able to meet a few people, locally, nationally, and internationally, along with some little discussion with a couple different medical professors that have invited me to follow up with them on my own experience.  Really cool.   I was also able to touch basis with a couple representatives from Color Glasses regarding my other blog (click between the brackets) [cltexperiment.blogspot.com].

I met some float shop owners from Vancouver, BC and a biofeedback/alternative healing center owner from Florida.  I listened to lectures on anxiety, as it relates to float healing (something I can relate to, both the chaos of and the healing from), biofeedback, theta waves (which was awesome!), float healing away from PTSD, and various lectures/testimonies into the void--where everything is discovered in nothing.

My last float was last Friday and my hope is to accumulate as many floats as possible through this internship and take them all within a short amount of time: 12 floats in a weeks time perhaps?  We'll see.   I am intrigued with the idea to remain in the theta state as much as possible.

 

New Blog...

For those that stumble upon this entry, I'd like to invite you to two different places:

floathq.com

ctlexperiment.blogspot.com

I'll be spending a bit of time dedicate to the new blog, cltexperiment (Color Lense Therapy Experiment), which will be a journaled account of about 12 weeks where I will spend one week at a time wearing a different colored pair of lenses.  There are 10 pairs in total: Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Aqua, Blue, Violet, Indigo, Magenta, and Baker-Miller Pink.  Each color has a detailed theory of benefits and I am going to put these lenses to the test and "blog" the journey as I go.  Take care and be well.  May you day be charged with positive attitudes and inspiring people.     

A light of Hope...

My son (2 years & 6 months old) has been in Arizona with his mom for the past three weeks visiting his Nanna, Aunt Missy, "Uncle Cherry" and her "brother Kay."  Not sure why he calls the two sisters by a masculine identity, but it has kind of stuck.  I miss him terribly.  We have been able to Skype almost nightly and otherwise talk on the phone wishing each other "night-night" and sweet dreams.  He called me back last night crying wanting me to sing to him.  My heart broke after we got off the phone that I couldn't hold him in his need.  I'll see him in about a weeks time.  I can't wait!

On anther note:

 A while back, my little p.o.s. '91 Toyota Corolla busted a head gasket and it was going to cost more to fix it than it was worth, so I sold it.   I was offered the use of a high performance running van from a friend of mine.  It was fricken awesome aside from the insane weekly gas bill of about $130; however this van had been sitting for three years and was not exactly all up to par and ready for the road, though he thought it was--it broke under my care.  I felt horrible about it but it was something out of my control as far as I am aware.  Since that time, I have purchased a clean, black, 2004 Nissan Pathfinder.  I couldn't be happier.  It's very nice.  I get to cut back on gas expenses and my monthly payments are under $150.  Not bad.  This has allowed some hope coming in from a more reliable vehicle.  AND I have begun to develop the concept of a new business and, after hearing my story, was approached by a business lawyer willing to help me at no cost just for the sake of seeing me succeed!  WOW!  How cool is that?  He has provided me a host of tools and experience that will guide me for the next few months getting a few things together and developing my ideas further for this success to come to fruition.  Imagine, me, a business owner!  That's a far cry from where I started.  All's I have to do now is stay focused.  I've already got the "cut above the rest" when it comes to the niche that puts me ahead of my competitors.  But we're not talking about that right now.  Haha. 

I hope all your summers are going well. Feel free to leave comments or notes letting me know you're reading this.  =)

Posting but not Publishing... :(

If in fact I have any readers to this blog, I will publish something very soon.  I have posted a few things that I have since retracted in the name of expression without harm done to others.  There is a lot going on (mostly in my head) that is keeping me distracted from staying productive in my life.  I feel as though I have somehow been de-motivated to do anything.  I am not sure if it is depression or if it is something else.  I've been seeing a counselor for some recent emotional trauma.  She's the same lady that I saw for grief related to the passing of my dad and the disbanding of my marriage.  Sometimes I feel that it's not actually me that's talking in these sessions.  Words come out and I can hear them being said in a tone that is vaguely familiar, but in the moment it's like a train wreck--I know I'm talking, it doesn't always seem like it's me, the talking just flows and doesn't seem to stop, and I have difficulty believing that what I am saying is how I actually feel.  It's weird.  I don't know what to make of it right now.  At any rate, there is apparently a lot of chitter-chatter upstairs that has me distracted.  I am currently working (still in my head) on some concepts and designs for some marketable art stuff/swag.  On that note, I just realized how very much I dislike that word--'swag'.  Swag is not what we have, in recent years, made it to be.  Swag is a form of movement, a confidence within a walk or a stroll.  

This entire entry is Copy/Pasted from Yahoo this morning (very moving)...

An encouraging message was posted in a university restroom (Imgur)


A Reddit user posted a photo of a poignant message that she found taped to the stall in a women's restroom at her university.

The user, chellylauren, wrote: "In a girls' bathroom stall at my university, girls have written about some of their most horrifying life experiences. This week, somebody replied."

The reply, written on notebook paper, is anonymous.

The reply in full:

To the girl who was raped: You are so strong. I cannot fathom the pain you must have gone through. The fact that you have the bravery to write it (even on a bathroom wall) gives me hope.
To the girl with eating disorders: I promise you, although I don't know you, you are beautiful, you deserve your health. You deserve freedom from that hell.
To the girl with the alcoholic father: I am so sorry for the agony it must cause. Again, such courage is remarkable you must be such a strong person to see such pain.
To the girl whose father died: Missing them never goes away. The ache of their absence never goes away. But the love they had, the memories you share surely must last. I am sure, out of the bottom of my heart, the people who have left you in this world are exceptionally proud of the person you are.
Everytime (sic) I see these walls, these confessions, I feel so blessed to know I have the priviledge (sic) of seeing them. Your moments, these secrets, are all precious even though they are sad. To all of you (including those I did not mention, and those who have not yet written)
-You are worthy.
-You are strong.
-You are brave.
-You are loved.
-Somebody cares.

Written below that, somebody penned a quick response: "To the person who wrote this, thank you."