...More to come eventually (soon)

Thanks for sticking around or clicking in from Pinterest.  Things are super busy right now and there is a lot of work to be done which will take me away from this blog for a day or more.  What I can currently say is that there is still a lot of emotional work related to my dad's passing that I am in the middle of, there are also counseling sessions happening that are very helpful, and my wife and I have recently separated.  Life looks really shitty on the outside but, surprisingly, I am feeling fairly well on the inside; one might even say a bit serene.  I am at more peace than I have been in, in quite a long time.  Stay tuned or follow me on Pinterest for a glimpse into the things that massage my nerve endings.

Happy Birthday Dad...

...because I can't ever tell you face to face anymore.  I love you deeply and miss you dearly. 

Chi misses you a lot.  He's always asking for "papa" when he sees my phone, so he can listen to your voice on the voicemail you left, that I saved, from my last birthday.  Thank you for leaving that message.  He knows that you are in his heart and all around. 

Some of my own drawings...

...self portrait embracing anger and grief,

...figure recreation hiding in some wilted bushes in Sellwood Park,

...creating a tree,

...2 recreations of other peoples visions of angels.

Do you know what's best for me?

Well, do you?

Be Still, Be Active

When I’m still, my mind still races.
When I close my eyes, I still see all the faces.
Faces from yesterday and way back when,
Faces from now;
Faces from then.
I can’t seem to focus with

the camaraderie of my thoughts.
These battles are less won and more often loss.

When I keep active, my mind stands still.
When my eyes open, I see you still.
Just you;
You share with me pieces of you.
When I keep active my thoughts leave me

at peace.

When I work with you,
On me,
I’m able to keep your piece.

Thank you.

So long as

I’m active,So long as

I’m busy,
So long as

I’m distracted,
I’m less distracted.

In the light of my Dad's passing...

I found this as written by my Aunt Mary and published by ther funeral home that served our family during this recent time fo grief and tragedy.  I thought I would post it to share with you and perhaps soon I will post something in my own words.  To those of you that knew him, Thank you.  Dad, I love you.  Memorial for Kenneth K. Wehage Born in Oregon City, OR on Dec. 9, 1952 Departed on Sep. 12, 2012 and resided in Milwaukie, OR. Visitation: Saturday, Sep. 15, 2012 2:00 pm - 5:00 pm Funeral Mass: Monday, Sep. 17, 2012 11:00 am

Kenneth Kelly Wehage, Ken, Kenny, Kinko, Weegee, The King of Cool, and Poppy. You always knew when Ken walked into a room. His shining eyes and welcoming smile made you feel so special. When he'd say "Whazzz Up?" and asked you to "pull his finger," you knew you were in his circle of friends. Whether he talked politics, "global warming," hunting or fishing, a good conversation was happening with humor and respect. Family and laughter were the center of his universe. He married his soul mate Diane, the love of his life, after meeting on a blind date. Together they had three wonderful children, who will always remember their Dad as "The King of Cool." He was blessed with five amazing grandchildren, who will always remember their grandpa as "Poppy." Ken was born in Oregon City, Oregon to Lawrence and Elsa Wehage on December 9, 1952. He greeted the world with his twin sister, Mary, and was the 8th of 15 children. With 4 brothers and 3 sisters ahead of him, and 4 brothers and 3 sisters after him, Ken always referred to himself as the "middle child." He was raised in the Sellwood area, attending St. Agatha's grade school and Central Catholic High School, graduating in 1971 with honors. Following graduation, Ken enlisted in the Army National Guard. Growing up as part of a family with 14 brothers and sisters and a twin to his sister Mary he learned from the very start how to enjoy life, work hard, and be a team player. With Ken, it was never about him because he was always looking out for others. He never had his own room and he was always introduced as one of the twins – but this just reinforced his ability to see the best in everyone and have fun doing it. Ken loved to play Monopoly with all his brothers and sisters and usually won with his hotels on Park Place and Boardwalk. From an early age, summers were spent earning money picking berries and using his hard earned money for school and clothes, and even helping with his school tuition. Although his mom was the berry picking boss, Ken still managed to be one of the best pickers and one of the best shots with a berry – perhaps this is where he developed his "keen eye with a target" which served him later in his love of hunting. Ken had a special place in his heart for his brother Jim, who was a year younger and mentally disabled. Ken was Jim's best friend and we are sure that Jim is now giving Ken a very special tour of heaven. That being said, all of Ken's siblings felt loved by him – playing ball together in their side yard, playing cars in the dirt, or watching "It's a Wonderful Life" each Christmas. In 1973, Ken picked up Diane in his hot blue Malibu for their blind date. In Casanova Wehage style, he proposed to the love of his life 6 weeks later. Ken and Diane were married June 15th, 1974. His first son, Timothy James, was born in 1976, followed by his only daughter, Erin Marie, in 1979. Jeffery Bernard was born in 1987. Ken loved his wife and children more than anything, and was always coaching a game, cheering from the stands or giving advice from the sidelines. In May 1979, Ken started working as a driver for Mayflower Farms, now known as Darigold. On the day of his death, Ken was getting up to go to work. As a tribute to his 33 years of dedicated work, Darigold headquarters in Seattle ordered their flags to half-mast in honor of Ken. In 2007 Ken was blessed with a son-in-law, Ryan. Eight weeks later, he welcomed daughter-in-law Christy into our family. Then, in 2010, he embraced daughter-in-law Courtney. He loved them with all of his heart, and more than they will know. Ken thought his life was full raising 3 kids, fishing, hunting and playing poker, but then he discovered the love of grandchildren. There was no finer Poppy. He was truly an amazing grandfather. At the time of his death, he was Poppy to Presley Ann (3 ½ years), Reegan Jean Marie (2 ½ years), Malachi Alton (1 ½ years), Kale Bernard (7 months), and Baby Deahn due in December. While he loved his grandkids, they idolized him. Every visit to grandma and grandpa's house (and there were many), the door would open by little hands and a yell of "Where's Poppy?!" Prior to Ken's death, he spent the weekend with his buddies, aka the "Sellwood Boys," on their annual fishing trip. He described this year's trip as the best ever. He was looking forward to the upcoming monthly boy's poker night with his brothers, sons, and nephews. While our heart ache and we know that life will never be the same, our family thanks you for your kind words, support, love and stories. If you asked Ken about family and life, he would say: "Live life now," "Laugh, laugh often and laugh hard," "Hug it out," and "Always be kind to people." Ken's wife and children will always remember him as the foundation and rock of their family. Ken is survived by his wife of 38 years, Diane; sons Tim LeeWehage (Christy) and Jeff (Courtney), daughter Erin Deahn (Ryan), and grandchildren Malachi LeeWehage, Presley & Kale Wehage, Reegan Deahn and Baby Deahn due in December; sisters Madonna Posey (Michael), Patricia Haffner (Larry), Lorraine (Larry Cantrall), Mary Markley (Charlie), Kathy, Theresa Rogers (Wes); brothers Daniel (Marie), Chuck (Jean), Rodger (Gwen), Joe (Terie), Nick (Aulani), Rick (Jackie), and sister-in-law Keri. He was preceded in death by his parents Lawrence and Elsa and brothers Clifford and Jim.

Soooo sick it needed it's own post...

Getting Deeply in Touch with My Inner Child

The sound of drums energizes my soul and awakens my creativity...

A Vision Coming to Light

Sometime in 2002, I think, I was camping in Washington state and we were near a river, in the mountains.  I was with a bunch of people that made some flash boil tea.  It gave me a mild high.  I thought that, for what we used, it should have been a stronger tea.  So upon returning from our hike, I asked if anyone was going to finish the mushrooms.  No one had an interest, so I started mowin down.  I didn't quite realize how much I had ate until I was almost through and came to the understanding I had probably eaten about 1/3 of an oz.  Little did I know, I would survive. 

That night I had a vision of a being in the sky hovering above me and the sense of being protected or care for.  It was an amazing trip that also had it's many concerns, as I had difficulty staying upright and had little to no mobility of my limbs thereby producing an effect that left me falling face first in the dirt on a constant basis, each time hitting my head into the ground.  My homies were concerned that I had concussed myself and one particular person volunteered to hang out with me to keep me awake in the event that I actually had.  The weekend move forward and life moved on.

Some years later, I sobered up and went back to school.  While doing some research for a paper, that night came back into reflection and I thought I would google some keywords that represented the vision I had during that trip.  I knew that the image did not reflect my childhood faith and that it slightly resembled what little I knew of eastern deities, at the time.  I clicked on images and proceeded to type "eastern god(dess)", "Buddha", "Hindu figures", and a few others that escape me at this time.  I remember searching diligently for "the right image" as there were many that could have passed but none that I was coming across as exactly what I saw.  Then...there it was, exactly as the image had presented itself to me among the mountains and along side of the river during a starlit night with a full moon along side of the summer days sun glaring bright from the weekend.  Are you kidding me?  

There were several images under the same name but this image fit the vision of that night to an exact fit.  I was beside myself; simply amazed.  I had no consciously known knowledge of this before that night.  As I dug deeper in to the lore of this being, she is said to be a protector.  Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you the Green Tara...





A quote by Lily...

"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we we're schizophrenic?"

PvP

The sound of silence can be so
fucking loud;
daunting and riddled with
anxiety.
How would I actually describe the sound
of the voices in my head
when it's perceived as regular activity?
Are they just thoughts perceived as voices?
Or are they voices masking themselves as thoughts?
Perception against perception
No wrong answers, just answers,
even if they are formed into questions.
There is no insanity.
There is no crazy.
There is just this
and what I choose to do with it.
There is here.
There is now.
And even that can be misleading.
What I think, what I feel, and what I see
is not who I am,
or what is actual. 
Nothing remains as it is.
Everything is in constant movement
constantly changing
never standing still
even when I think it is
feel like it is
or see that it is;
It is not what it claims to be.
No matter what IT is.

Hang in there...

new blog, new profile, a lot of work to be done before this thing gets up and moving, plus I've got a lot of other work I'm in the middle of...please find patience.  thank you